All the things that I have lost

Tonight I was sitting at a bar waiting for some food at an event.  Beach volleyball championships were on tv, on NBC.  At commercial breaks, NBC would show adds for the upcoming 2018 Olympic Winter Games with highlights of hockey, skiing and snowboarding.  MY three best sports that I have ever been good at… hockey, volleyball and snowboarding.  I can hardly do any of them anymore thanks to my lungs and my health condition.  Thanks also to my health I can hardly ever enjoy a drink of alchohol any more, that is unless I want to cause my liver to give out sooner.  
I’ve done a lot of shitty things in my life, but I never degraded my wife to others, I may have complained about the occasional thing but I never degraded or derided her.  I’ve always adored her.  What spouses of sex addicts don’t get is that our addiction isn’t about them, it really doesn’t even affect the way we feel about them, as hard as that may be to believe.  The addiction is about damping pain and coping.  It’s not about not loving them, it’s about not loving ourselves.  About not knowing who we are or who we are supposed to be.  
I’m a farm boy, I can deliver a calf, castrate a steer, plant a field, drive a truck, fix a fence and build a shed from scratch.  I can also work in an office, sit down for a 12 course tasting dinner in a tuxedo.  I can prepare a gourmet meal, sew a button, build a cabinet and deliver a board presentation.  I’m as comfortable in a dive bar, country bar, on a ranch as I am at a Michelin star restaurant, at a ball or at the symphony.  
My wife fell in love with the more rugged and side of me, but also appreciated the brainy and upscale side of me as well.  
I don’t know who I am to myself.  I can be all things to all people but who am I to me?  
I’ve seriously considered selling my soul to the devil in the event that it could buy me some temporary happiness and the money that I think will end my problems.  On the other hand, I could just jump off my fourth floor balcony and end this suffering.  Not that either would do me any good and it would only further harm my loved ones so there’s really no point.  But it sure is tempting.  To find an end to this suffering… 
Little brother are you still reading this?  

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