I guess what I can say about it is that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was painful and shameful. Terrifying and nerve wracking but my wife didn’t get up and run out of there screaming. She did’t look at me with disgust. She didn’t even get angry.
I am scared that she hasn’t entirely processed it yet and that there might be a delayed reaction. Or maybe it really and truly wasn’t as bad as she thought and she had imagined worse.
One thing she did say to me though, which I’m still not entirely sure how to take: “I’m glad I’m not you.” I’m not sure what that means. In someways I think it’s because of the punishment I will receive from God at judgment today, there was the revelation today of an abortion a long time ago, and that may have been what she was referring to, or perhaps just all my acts in general.
Maybe it’s my addiction, but fear of punishment has never been a thing for me. Fear of pain, of shame, of not living up to expectations, of people seeing me as I am; those have all been far scarier to me than punishment.
Going into it, I was terrified, I still have some chest pains even now.
I’m also kinda of angry and I’m not sure why. I’m angry with the therapists for referring to me like I’m a little child. I’m tired of being labeled an addict. I’m angry that I am one. I’m angry that I made these choices, I’m angry that I felt the need to live this way. I’m angry that it was so easy for me to access pornography and get hooked on it so quickly. I’m angry that I wasn’t an innocent child or teen. I’m angry that I don’t know how to be intimate and vulnerable and I have no relationships anymore that bring me what I need. I’m angry that I can’t open up to my parents. I’m angry that I’m the way that I am. I’m angry that I had to lose almost everything, if not in fact everything to get to this point.
I’m angry because I know I have no one to blame except for myself and I don’t love myself, I don’t respect myself and I don’t value myself, because I didn’t learn how.