I thought this was supposed to be getting easier. It’s not.
I had though that knowing more about all of this would help. It hasn’t.
I thought I would be doing better, but I’m not.
Addiction, or at least sex addiction is lonely. The opposite of addiction is supposed to be connection. Why is connection so hard? Why is honesty so hard? Why is helping myself so hard?
I fell off of the wagon a while ago and I’m having a really hard time getting back on it. I don’t want to journal, I don’t want to write, I don’t want to go to meetings. I don’t want to say no to temptation. I have so much fear and so much pain that I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to deal with it. So I choose to numb it and not to feel it.
I met with a pastor yesterday. That was a bit helpful but not really. I do really appreciate that he reached out and connected (I’ve been putting prayer requests in the offering at church). He asked some questions about how I feel about God. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about God. I think I believe in God. I’m pretty sure I do, but grace and forgiveness are hard for me to accept.
I’m depressed, I’m really depressed. I can’t even seem to brush my teeth these days.
I met with my therapist on Friday. So that I could work on my disclosure. He said to send him a draft by Saturday at 8:00 PM and he’d get comments back to me. It’s now Tuesday at 2:14 PM, still no comments back. He did at least respond this morning saying that he’d reply later today. I sure hope he does. I’m getting kind of tired of him not doing what he says he’s going to do. I guess this must be how others feel when I do the same thing.
My mother-in-law is in town, staying with my wife (my wife and I live separately). My mother-in-law is actually pretty great, but I still don’t want to see her. I don’t want to face her. I went over for dinner on Saturday night, I actually cooked the dinner. But it was tough being around, I’m not sure what she thinks of me anymore. It can’t be good.
Everything is a struggle these days. My wife thinks I’m going to die, she thinks my addiction is going to kill me. She thinks that I’ll get a disease or I’ll get into a ‘sticky situation’ with a prostitute and end up dead. That bugged me a lot. The mostly likely way for me to die right now is by my own hand or by jumping off a building. Maybe that will be my addiction in an indirect way, or maybe she’s fearful of that. The biggest thing about her saying that for me is though, it’s not that she’ll miss me, but it’s that she’ll be all alone with no way to support herself and no nest egg or savings.
Maybe she will miss me, but it doesn’t appear to be top of mind. That’s probably fair after all that I’ve done to her. I can’t blame her, but it still hurts incredibly. The truth is, though, one of the biggest things that’s kept me alive is that I can’t leave her unsupported or alone with no way to support herself. I can’t bear to abandon her. I mean, in many ways I went off and abandoned her once already. I left, I gave up on our marriage. I never cut off and I never stopped supporting her financially but I did leave. I even moved in with another woman. I am incredibly grateful that she still talks to me, I don’t know why she does.
She’s such a beautiful woman and such a precious gift. I love her, more than she will ever know, but I am not very good for her. I don’t know how to show my love. I’m not thoughtful. I’m selfish. I really only think about protecting myself.
Fuck I hate myself.