Lonely Saturday

Where does motivation go?
Why is conflict and confrontation difficult?
Why do I avoid?

I’m feeling a bit lonely and sluggish this morning. Could have been I stayed up too late watching the hockey last night. Also could have been that one of my dogs was very annoying and antsy very, very early this morning. Could also have been that my therapist didn’t show up for my appointment this morning. Could be that I’m still feeling kind of without purpose, that I don’t have a job, that I don’t have a lot of friends, that I’m almost broke, could be any number of things.

Could even be that I’m not even pleased with my writing style!

A few things to talk about today…

1. Body Image and Work Outs
I haven’t gone to the gym or done yoga since Wednesday, I should have gone and Thursday and I should also go today. But I got off that track and I need to get back on it, I think it makes me feel better. Even if it’s just a little bit every day. I was on a good tack there with 3 weight sessions in 6 days and also some yoga. I start the second week of that muscle and fitness workout plan on Monday, I should do a least 1 yoga session today and possibly tomorrow and if possible a gym session today.

I also have put on weight this week, maybe I’ve put on muscle, but I feel like it’s more fat. I need to do less snacking and more healthy eating.

2. Motivation and Getting Things Done
I’ve been struggling with that this week. I have successfully/unsuccessfully (depends on your point of view) put off working on my disclosure all week. I also haven’t finished all the insurance claim stuff and I haven’t even touched the finances. The finances terrify me.
I bet if I actually get a PCI or Self Care index filled out, I will start using it and that should help keep me motivated on some stuff.

3. I Don’t have a lot of friends and I’m lonely
My mind keeps going back to FormerFriend and how sad I am about that. The fact that he hasn’t returned a single email or text or made any effort to reach out. It bother’s me. Friend1 also feels a bit distant but maybe that’s in my head. Lunch with Friend2 was pretty good this week though and that made me feel good.

4. Am I getting better?
How do you tell? I think I am, I’m resisting urges to act out, to look at porn, to masturbate. I am practicing self care. What does healthy and recovered look like? Does it ever end?
Do I really need to work the steps to get better? Probably, yes. But maybe not. Is recovery the same for everyone? Probably not. What does it look like for me? I don’t know – but I think I’m moving towards it.
I hope so.

I think in the back of my head I’m waiting or hoping for the day when this is all better and I’m ‘cured’ and I can go back to my old habits and my old ways and I can just dabble a little. I want to be able to enjoy some porn and masturbation or to go to a massage parlor.
The truth is, though, that I can’t go back to that. That’s not recovered, that’s not healthy, that won’t work within my marriage. I miss it right now, but it’s not good for me.

You know what’s really funny?  Sad is probably more appropriate? I can’t remember when I last or if I ever fantasized about sex with my wife. I’m certainly not craving it now. I’m craving sex with myself, with others, with strangers, with porn stars, but not with my wife. How crazy it that? How sad is that? How messed up is that?
I love her, but a long time ago the sexual spark and tension between us went away. I hope that someday it can come back.

#Sadness #Struggles #Loss #Sex #Sexaddiction

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