Thursday, May 4th (brief explicit themes)

I woke up, scratch that, got up, later than I would have like this morning. I was awake at 5:30/6:00 but I went back to sleep until the second set of alarms went off at 7:00. Even then I continued to hit snooze until almost 7:30.

Why do I seem to lack the will power to get up early like I would like to? Is it because I went to sleep too late last night (after midnight)? Or is it because I enjoy the warm comfort of my bed too much? Is it because I’m waking up alone, without MyWife and without the dogs? When MyWife is there and my alarms goes off, I’m more likely to get up quickly because I don’t want to disturb her sleep. If the dogs are there, they tend to lick my face and paw at me until I get up. Both of those help spur me to an early morning.

I also woke up with some morning wood this morning, I think I usually do, I know I always used to, I’m not sure if I have the past few days and weeks or not to be honest, but this morning I certainly did. I really wanted to take care of it this morning. A few weeks ago I would have pulled out my iPad, fired it up and gone straight to my favorite sites to satisfy my visual lusts and achieve orgasm through masturbation. How many days did I say this would just take a few minutes and then 30 or 45 minutes later I would be running late for work or still at it? Sometimes it would come quick, sometimes it would take forever and most days it was totally unsatisfying. Today at 5:00 will mark 9 days. That’s not my all time record, I think that’s about 3 weeks, but it’s still something.

I do miss it though. I miss the images, the fantasies (they are still there though), the escape into another world, an unreal world that satisfaction of the lust, the release. It was all satisfying if at least for a few brief and illusionary moments.

Even now as I write about some of this, I’m reminded of some of the physical encounters I’ve had in the past. I’ve been craving those of late as well. I think I remember them unlike they were. In truth, they were never all that satisfying, they weren’t all that pleasurable, in fact most times I never even reached orgasm, or would find a need to masturbate immediately afterwards. They also, more often than not, left me feeling disgusted, disappointed, guilty, ashamed and unsatisfied.

So why do I still crave them? I’m craving a massage parlor right now. The fantasy I would build up in my head about what could or might happen, even though it never did. The darkness always seemed to make the ladies more attractive than they were after the lights were turned on. I’d make up in my head that they wanted me, even though they didn’t, they just wanted my money. I never really thought about how they felt. There was one, I’m pretty sure I made her orgasm a few times, but did I really? And then I’d feel just not great afterwards.

What a miserable and lonely and unfulfilled life I used to live.

God please help me to leave this all behind and to turn my face to you and to a more satisfying, and fulfilled life in the future. 

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